Daylight Savings began a good while ago now – as if you could ever save such a thing as daylight, or delay for even a second the spilling bright silk of it. We change the clocks because we can’t change time. We borrow light from day’s end to paste onto its beginning. The days grow short and shorter still. Rename their hours, run them backwards, stand them on their heads if you like, there’s no changing that fact.
It used to frighten me as a child, coming home in the late afternoon, kicking through the shin-high leaves so much like my breakfast cereal, the dry ones like drifts of cornflakes, the wet ones milk-soaked. A tipped-over metal trash would rock in the thin cold wind by the curb. Old-style street lamps would set cones of light down on sidewalks, making the gathering darkness all the darker. I would turn the corner, footsteps quickening – until I saw the light from our kitchen: my own kitchen, and my grownups moving about inside it.
Having once joined them, I was all right again, with my homework open on the kitchen table, and the water for tea drumming softly against the kettle’s base. Once the daylight was truly gone, I was fine. Watching it go was what hurt.
I sat once in a woodside church, the whole back wall of which was fashioned from glass. As I listened to the voice from the pulpit, I looked out at a stand of trees that together wove a bright pumpkin-colored tapestry dotted with wines and mauves. I glanced out at the golden light; glanced back; then saw it begin to flicker eerily as birds, blackbirds by the look of them, began arcing through the trees: swooping and diving and multiplying until dozens became hundreds, swirling past.
The eye wants to catch on such flights bird by bird; instinctively, it goes for the particular. But in all the motion, eye muscles fail. Focus fails. But if we look past the fleeting particular to the general tapestry the effect is immediate: we feel that we ourselves are spinning. We feel twirled again as we were twirled in childhood by parents’ hands or playground swings. Then, we spun until the world spun too; if we were frightened at first, we soon learned to lean back and watched it go.
The same night of that flock sighting, I arrived in full darkness in my driveway and sat in the car, somehow reluctant to go inside. For minutes on end, I sat. Then suddenly a black shadow crossed a silvery wedge of grass: my cat. I opened the car door. She hopped in, quick as thought; stood on the dashboard looking out; moved to the back window; leapt lightly to the headrest, all the while swiveling the twin satellite dishes of those fine triangular ears. She settled at last on the passenger seat beside me and together we looked out: Heard the deep bassooning of wind in the pines; watched a branch sway; saw mousy movement in the grass. We sat there for 20 minutes that passed like two. I believe that moment taught me darkness and I am not afraid of it now.
Meanwhile, the days grow shorter still. The world is spinning us down into winter. ‘Let go,’ you might tell yourself now. ‘Lean back and let it spin.’ You are a child once more, and the strong hands that hold you are Nature’s.
28 thoughts on “Lean Back”
This is beautiful mum
Well thank you Carr!
“the days grow shorter still” and I do too. Terry, thanks for the walk. In those days tramping through wet leaves was a good time to wear gray ankle boots with black laces and curly white wool inside for warmth.
Don’t we all Mike, don’t we all. I’m literally shorter than the 5 foot 7 I lied and told the registry cop I was when I was 16. Still ashamed about that but I really did hope I was still growing!
I also lied (5′ 9″) to the registry Inspector. So nervous, I misspelled my name on the license.
That’s too funny about your nervousness, never mind the fib. What do they think though, asking US how tall we are? It’s like when you’re at the hospital and the providers ask you what you weigh. Or when the dentist asks Are you flossing?
Wow! Lovely essay. Thanks for the images, Terry.
Morgan I think of you as I post these. Much appreciation here!
You’re always so kind Morgan. Wishing safety and warmth for you in this cold-in-so-many ways time.
Terry – this is as beautiful a piece of writing as I have ever read. I was a couple of paragraphs in when I realized I needed to eliminate all distractions around me to focus on what you wrote.
Your descriptions of the walk home, the sights, sounds, and sensations, all brought me back to those long walks home as the sky got darker. And then to bring it back to where we are now…all I can say is…wow. Great work.
Oh thank you so much Suzi! This means everything to me . 💕
This is a marvelous piece of writing. I was going to say it is like a beautiful painting, but really it IS a beautiful painting.
Ah so nice. When our eyesight is gone we will still have words eh? I’m remaking one of my audio books, did I tell you? Fun to be nudged off dead center finally.
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Wonderful piece of writing. I could feel everything. It was comforting right now. Thank you for its beauty and warmth.
Ah Lucy I’m so glad to hear this. Then the piece has served its purpose!
Beautiful thoughts framed in print. Save your unique “oeuvre” for posterity. Mine is in storage where it will no doubt remain indefinitely! Paintings.
Oh how fascinating Joan! Do you get to go visit them?
This is one of the most beautiful pieces you’ve ever written (and I’ve read most of them!) Just this for example takes my breath away:
We change the clocks because we can’t change time. We borrow light from day’s end to paste onto its beginning.
Ah thank you! The description of that day/night I describe was really sort of delivered to me from beyond. As for the talk of Time, that has been an obsession of mine since I was a girl. Maybe it goes back to when you had me reading Thomas Wolfe!
Lovely. Lovely. I am stuck right now. Can’t rewind. Can’t fast forward. I have to be right now.
Terry thx for sharing. I can feel the love in that childhood kitchen 🙂
What a nice thing to say Mary Kay. It was so great to have two mothers making the evening meal sing!
Great column Terry … thank you for calling out what we are feeling.
Marcia that is such a nice way to put it. It has been such a privilege to just watch us all living as I have been able to do all these many years.
You are a fierce poet, Terry! Such an inspiration, your gift of immersion is truly remarkable. Love that your kitty made it into the story! XO
What a wonderful thing to say Alicia. I am humbled.